signs of toxic relationships. screw it. how it feels to be in a toxic relationship

Honestly, I’ve been hesitating to sit down and write this post for months. It’s not only a deeply emotional topic for me to talk to – it’s also something, that most people don’t want to hear (read) about. But if there is something that I’ve learned throughout these years – is that you need to share, you need to talk and not to keep everything yo yourself. I can’t say exactly when and how (and even why) it started, but for many, many years I just couldn’t talk to people about what was bothering me. Moreover, sometimes I even didn’t want to share what I’ve been up lately. I knew, it wasn’t right – but that’s just how it was.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m a true believer that personal things should always stay private. No photos of you cuddling your partner on social media, no whipping to your girlfriend about how your partner doesn’t buy your flowers or how you didn’t have sex for weeks. These should stay between you and him (her). What I mean when say “share” is that you need to tell someone that you’re unhappy. That someone or something hurts you. Actually, you have to tell somebody that there is a person in your life that hurts you – emotionally or physically.

But the reality behind the toxic relationships is that they gradually take you away from people, from those, who could somehow help you.

At some point, you just realize that there is no one you could talk to, there is no one to call when you feel that you can’t bare it anymore. Things can be even worth: after months and years that you were keeping your pain in secret, you don’t know how to start telling people the truth. You think that no one will take you seriously because they don’t know that you’ve been suffering all these time – for many of them, your life might even seem perfectly fine. But not for you.
When I first realized, that the relationships that I was in weren’t normal, I started doing researches. I read forums, articles and watched so many videos about different sorts of dysfunctional relationships, which in the end I was even more confused, scared and powerless than I was. I took many many (many) years to get out of the relationships that almost crushed me. I didn’t realize it then, but my eating disorder and bpd went so crazy because every single day I felt like I’m standing by a volcano. Every single day I would wake up, and my first thought was “please, may this day end faster.” I lost all my friends. I lost myself. I became one of those people that I always despised: weak, dependent and pathetic. I lost everything good that was in me; nothing interested me, and there weren’t a single thing that I cared about. I became an empty shallow.
But you know what? Everything ends, and these relationships have ended, too. Even though I’m not even close to being fine, the recovery process has started.
Anyways, I don’t want this post to be my autobiography. But there is a thing, which I want to share with you because my researches (in the end) helped me a lot. If you’re not sure if you are in toxic relationships – or just unhappy ones – you might find these common signs of not healthy relationships handy. Just make sure you’re not overthinking it: as soon as you realize that your relationships are toxic, just quit. And only after you quit you can cry, breakdown or whatever.
1. You always feel bad
You feel bad about yourself, your life, the world around you – but mostly, you feel bad about your relationships. You’re feeling unhappy being with this person – but for some reason, you can’t just walk away.
2. You’re dependent on that person
You’re suffering, you promise yourself: this is it, I’m just done. I won’t call/text him. And here you are: dialing that damn number already knowing that no one will answer – or that you will feel worse after the conversation.
3. You feel abused
Physically, verbally, emotionally – abuse is abuse. This person doesn’t respect you; he doesn’t give a shit what you want, and will never step out of his way to make you happy. You’ll say to this person “please, stop doing this, you’re hurting me.” And he won’t ever stop. Ever.
4. You have no one beside this person
You can’t tell anyone that you’re not okay. All you friends (if any even exist) think that you have great relationships and that makes it even worse. But most likely, you have no friends, no social life, no hobbies… No nothing. You are alone. And that toxic person is the only one who you have at the end of the day.
5. You always come back for more
You’ve tried to break up many times – but here you are, still stuck in this relationships like in quicksand. You know that all that awaits you in future is suffer, but you can’t walk away. Just can’t.
And last (should be first), you’ve lost yourself. You became a person you would never want to become, every time you see your reflection you see a stranger – a disgusting stranger that you never want to meet again.


2017 lifestyle essentials

First blog post of the year… sounds unbelievable. It means It’s been almost a year since I first started this blog. I’ve been thinking a lot what to write about and decided to share with you a few things that I got during this Holiday season and planning on using in the upcoming year.
Daniele Wellington Watch
I don’t usually wear watches (as I don’t use them) but I like the simple design and good quality so I couldn’t say no to this duo with a cuff bracelet. Plus, you can use code XXRAI to get additional 15% off your order. 
Jose Eber
The straightening brush is something that I have only recently tried and fell in love ith. I don’t have unruly hair, but I like how it makes my hair thicker.
Moshi Powerbank
Having an iPhone means a necessity always to have a charger with you. I had a lot of portable chargers, but this one is my favorite so far as it has built in cables that won’t tangle up in my handbag.
Coloring books
I first discovered an anti-stress coloring book two years ago, but this year I want to use it more often. I chose this Harry Potter one – for obvious reasons.
52 lists project
I was doing in in 2016, and now I will be doing next version, 52 lists to happiness. This is a yearly book with each week’s lists that help you to reflect, unwind and live mindful.
Happy Socks
I just recently started wearing socks at home, and have decided to wear something fun and colorful just to cheer up a bit.

Tell me now about your choices for 2017 in terms of everyday life essentials.

5 things to do on lonely christmas/new year

Let me just say: my idea of a perfect Christmas/New Year’s Eve is a small village house with panoramic windows surrounded by snow covered evergreen trees and mountains, a huge Christmas tree, a fireplace with a sheepskin in front of it, and a person I love right by my side. However, this year I only have a Christmas tree that has already dried out pretty much and BBW candles. My first thought was to curl up and cry the night out, but then I thought: what the hell, I’m gonna have a nice lonely Christmas. Image result for scandinavian family christmas
If you’re spending this Christmas or New Year alone, here are my 5 things to do on Christmas on your own. Let the lonely Christmas begin!
Cook a nice dinner
I don’t cook myself, and in mine, you can find anything from paper towels to extra light bulbs, but I do believe that cooking yourself a nice Christmas dinner is a great ay to appreciate yourself. Start with the easiest dishes like salad or mashed potatoes with cranberries.
Go for Holiday shopping
It doesn’t have to be something big and expensive – but it has to be for our only. Figure out, what you want to treat yourself with and buy it on December 25th or 31st, whichever lonely holiday you’re celebrating. This day most of the stores will be open until 4-5p.m. and it’s a perfect chance not to spend the whole day alone. Also, after spending a couple of hours in a hectic atmosphere, you’ll be feeling excited to get back home. Image result for macy's christmas
Dress nicely but don’t overdress
If you’re spending the whole day wearing your old pajama pants, you won’t feel any holiday spirit. Opt for something less comfortable but more cheerful: a pair of jeans and cute holiday sweater will do the job and lift up your mood a bit. Don’t overdress as in the end; you can find yourself all dressed up in front a single plate in an empty apartment – and that won’t make your happy, right?
Go some place crowded
Even for an hour or so, go to Starbucks or your local coffee shop to just spend some time with other people. Take your laptop or a book, so you’ll have something to keep you busy. If you’re an artist, try to draw a picture of someone and give it to this person – or write a short story about any of those people.
Make it a spa day
You don’t have to go to an actual spa: make yourself a warm bath with sea salt, do yourself a pedicure and manicure and do a deep hair mask or facial.Image result for spa day

This day doesn’t have to be perfect – just nice is enough.

17 things to do in NYC on Christmas

I’ve meant to do this blog post since the end of November, but who I’m kidding; I’m the greatest procrastinator. However, There is still some time until Christmas, and New Year, so you might finish this list if you’re sassy enough. Myself, I like reading what-to-see lists (I never follow them though), so I’ve decided this one may be useful for some of you who’re planning to visit New York this Holiday season.
Without further ado, here are 17 things to see and do in NYC this Christmas.
1. Visit Santa’s Village at Macy’s Herald Square and say hi to Santa
2. Check out 5th Avenue Holiday Windows
3. Shop at Union Square Holiday Market6565595805_ac306fedb4_o
4. Take a selfie under Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree and Swarovski Star
5. Go to Brooklyn to see the real fairytale aka Dyker Heights’ Holiday Lights
6. Walk through the life-size gingerbread houses in Madison Square Park
7. Watch Austin McCormick’s erotic reimagining of Nutcracker – Company XIV: Nutcracker Rouge
8. Shop at Aerie’s holiday pop-up storeImage result for Wollman Rink
9. Ice skating at Wollman Rink in Central Park
10. Go to FAO Schwarz, and try to tap toes on the giant floor piano keyboardImage result for palace hotel nyc christmas
11. Stay at Lotte New York Palace on Christmas night
12. See a holiday train show at the New York City Transit Museum in Grand Central Terminal
13. Go to New York City Ballet to watch The Nutcracker
14. Visit Bryant Park Winter Village Image result for metropolitan museum of art christmas tree
15. Do the museum’s spree: Met’s fashion exhibition and Origami Holiday Tree at the American Museum of Natural History are must
16. Go Christmas caroling – on Christmas Eve, go to Washington Square Arch where all gather to sing traditional holiday songs at 5 pm
17. Eat at The NoMad – and check amazing Christmas Tree and Decor

5 best nail polishes for december

You guys know how I love the fall season and all things it brings. But December in New York still looks pretty much like autumn with some yellow and red leaves and still not that chilly air. Winter nail polishes are my favorite because there are so many options! For the month of December, I’ve picked a few super festive polishes that will bring you joy right away! 

Tara by Zoyadsc_0003This is a rich neutral purple color that looks amazing in the winter time. This is a bold option for those who are risky enough to wear some black leather and studs – or, at least, a leather choker and stacked rings. 

Finley by ZoyayferpnjnjicThis is one of my all time favorites. I’ve been wearing it for a couple of days now,  and must admit that the formula is just amazing: it doesn’t cheap off, it’s easy to apply, and the color is so beautiful everywhere I go people ask we what I’m wearing on my nails. Honestly, I think it’s a perfect nail polish for night outs and dancing, and the New Year’s Eve.

Midnight Affair (872) by Sally Hansen Salon ManicureI love Sally Hansen Salon Manicure formula, it’s easy to apply, and it stays forever on your nails, at least four days without chipping, and the brush is very thick and picks up the perfect amount of product. The navy blue is such a winter shade, and it’s super versatile so you can wear it to school, office, party or romantic dinner.

Janel by Zoyadsc_0027If you know me a bit, you know how I love red manicure. This warm red with wine undertones has made all the way from fall into winter because it’s so versatile and could be worn on any occasion as it’s not super bright.

Diva by Zoyadsc_0008Yet another red (surely, by Zoya). This one is perfect for any day of the week and every month of the year. It’s a classic blue red that suits any skin color and even though it’s so bright, it could be worn from morning to night. 

bookclub: four books to read in December

As you guys probably remember, last month I’ve started a monthly book club: each month I’ll share with you a few books that I’m planning to read – or already read and want to share with you. December is such a whimsical and mysterious month, and we all have some beliefs regarding Christmas and New Year – even those of us who say they don’t really care.
That’s why I’ve picked only books about magic, mysteries, and sorcery and I hope you guys will find it handy and pick one or two from my ‘books to read in December’ to read yourself. Also, leave your book picks for December in comments! Otherwise, let’s start with my favorite one!
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Out of all Harry Potter books (including the Cursed Child), this one is my favorite. It’s very warm, cozy, light and it has this incredible Hogwarts atmosphere without drama and angry Harry, yelling at everyone around. Originally, I wanted to mention Chamber of Secrets or Prisoner of Azkaban, but realized, that the cheerful Christmas atmosphere is strongest in the first book.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Yet another J. K. Rowling creation. Honestly, I don’t really remember what’s it about as I read it partially many (many) years ago when it just came out – I believe, it was early 2000’s. However, I want to read the whole piece and to watch the movie that came out in November (because Colin Farrell, duh). Image result for christmas carol and other christmas stories
A Christmas Carol
Scrooge character has always been thought to be an interpretation of Charles Dickens himself. While traveling through the past, present, and future in the company of Christmas’ ghosts, he is ultimately transformed from an arrogant, obstinate, and insensitive miser to a generous, warm-hearted, and caring human being. It’s a novel everyone should read – just to remember of all the blessings and gifts that we have.
When I was a child, my mother took me to see the ballet version of Hoffmann’s book (wich I never actually read). And I can still recall the feelings I had – so, this December I’ve decided to read the book and create my own vision of characters and the plot: simple and charming and filled with dreams, endless possibilities of childhood imagination and towns made of sugar and icing.

6 ways to cozy up for winter

It’s finally December, and I couldn’t be more happy about it! The year is almost over, and though I know it’s just a day on my calendar, I still somehow believe in the magic of the New Year’s Eve. Also, I believe that we are responsible for how we feel during the Holiday Season: depressed and stressed out – or full of joy and hopes. I like to set the mood myself, and I’ve decided to share with you six simple ways to cozy up for winter and make this season truly bright, cozy and warm.Image result for christmas 5sos layout
Candles are your best friends
Honestly, I feel that lighting a few candles is the best way to give your apartment a cozy vibe. My favorite candle for this season is Marshmellow Fireside by BBW, but you can choose any scent you like, or non-scented candle – or even a flameless candle. The point is that fire has a warm light to it and warm-colored light helps your eyes to relax.
Create your own nook
Whether you live in a big house or a small city apartment, you need a little space where you feel most comfortable and relaxed. Put a nice thick rug, throw a couple of pillows and a cozy blanket, decorate with a tray with candles and paper books – and your own, personal piece of coziness is done!
Add more throw pillows, blankets, and plants
You might think: what’s the connection? Green plants will bring a pop of color -and you can also buy few pancetta plants that will bring festivity to any room. Pick up throws and pillows in gray, red and white color palette with some festive details: like reindeer or mistletoe print. baby its cold outside pillwo_
Buy a cute Christmasy mug
I have a little tradition: every year I buy a new Christmas but to cheer myself up. Another alternative – Starbucks red cups, they are (almost) always super cute and festive. Drinking your morning coffee from a lovely mug is an excellent way to start the day off.
Splurge on comfy and festive accessories
You deserve a nice gift for yourself: a cute hat, cozy scarf, chunky Christmas sweater or socks- whatever makes you feel a bit more excited for the upcoming cold season. As for me, I wear UGG boots only in winter, so every year I buy myself a new pair and feel super festive and cozy! tumblr_nxibvganfe1udn3oso1_500Change your wallpaper
It might seem too childish, but changing your phone and laptop background is the easiest way to set your mood. We all use our phones very often (too often) so seeing a nice Christmasy picture can make the day not so sucking. Or, even better, you can buy a festive case! Image result for Christmas Day

I really hope you guys like my little list of how to cozy up for winter, and I’d love to learn about yours, so leave them in the comment section!