Honestly, I’ve been hesitating to sit down and write this post for months. It’s not only a deeply emotional topic for me to talk to – it’s also something, that most people don’t want to hear (read) about. But if there is something that I’ve learned throughout these years – is that you need to share, you need to talk and not to keep everything yo yourself. I can’t say exactly when and how (and even why) it started, but for many, many years I just couldn’t talk to people about what was bothering me. Moreover, sometimes I even didn’t want to share what I’ve been up lately. I knew, it wasn’t right – but that’s just how it was.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m a true believer that personal things should always stay private. No photos of you cuddling your partner on social media, no whipping to your girlfriend about how your partner doesn’t buy your flowers or how you didn’t have sex for weeks. These should stay between you and him (her). What I mean when say “share” is that you need to tell someone that you’re unhappy. That someone or something hurts you. Actually, you have to tell somebody that there is a person in your life that hurts you – emotionally or physically.
But the reality behind the toxic relationships is that they gradually take you away from people, from those, who could somehow help you.
At some point, you just realize that there is no one you could talk to, there is no one to call when you feel that you can’t bare it anymore. Things can be even worth: after months and years that you were keeping your pain in secret, you don’t know how to start telling people the truth. You think that no one will take you seriously because they don’t know that you’ve been suffering all these time – for many of them, your life might even seem perfectly fine. But not for you.
When I first realized, that the relationships that I was in weren’t normal, I started doing researches. I read forums, articles and watched so many videos about different sorts of dysfunctional relationships, which in the end I was even more confused, scared and powerless than I was. I took many many (many) years to get out of the relationships that almost crushed me. I didn’t realize it then, but my eating disorder and bpd went so crazy because every single day I felt like I’m standing by a volcano. Every single day I would wake up, and my first thought was “please, may this day end faster.” I lost all my friends. I lost myself. I became one of those people that I always despised: weak, dependent and pathetic. I lost everything good that was in me; nothing interested me, and there weren’t a single thing that I cared about. I became an empty shallow.
But you know what? Everything ends, and these relationships have ended, too. Even though I’m not even close to being fine, the recovery process has started.
Anyways, I don’t want this post to be my autobiography. But there is a thing, which I want to share with you because my researches (in the end) helped me a lot. If you’re not sure if you are in toxic relationships – or just unhappy ones – you might find these common signs of not healthy relationships handy. Just make sure you’re not overthinking it: as soon as you realize that your relationships are toxic, just quit. And only after you quit you can cry, breakdown or whatever.
1. You always feel bad
You feel bad about yourself, your life, the world around you – but mostly, you feel bad about your relationships. You’re feeling unhappy being with this person – but for some reason, you can’t just walk away.
2. You’re dependent on that person
You’re suffering, you promise yourself: this is it, I’m just done. I won’t call/text him. And here you are: dialing that damn number already knowing that no one will answer – or that you will feel worse after the conversation.
3. You feel abused
Physically, verbally, emotionally – abuse is abuse. This person doesn’t respect you; he doesn’t give a shit what you want, and will never step out of his way to make you happy. You’ll say to this person “please, stop doing this, you’re hurting me.” And he won’t ever stop. Ever.
4. You have no one beside this person
You can’t tell anyone that you’re not okay. All you friends (if any even exist) think that you have great relationships and that makes it even worse. But most likely, you have no friends, no social life, no hobbies… No nothing. You are alone. And that toxic person is the only one who you have at the end of the day.
5. You always come back for more
You’ve tried to break up many times – but here you are, still stuck in this relationships like in quicksand. You know that all that awaits you in future is suffer, but you can’t walk away. Just can’t.
And last (should be first), you’ve lost yourself. You became a person you would never want to become, every time you see your reflection you see a stranger – a disgusting stranger that you never want to meet again.